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Humourous Documents
Wisdom Thru The Ages
| cadets | quotes 1 | quotes 2 | quotes 3 | weapon instructions |
You just know you've been in Cadets too long when...
01. You walk in step with people in front of you.
02. You walk 120 steps in a minute.
03. You judge how shiny people's shoes are.
04. You refer to normal people as "Civvies".
05. You answer only to your Last Name and/or rank.
06. You're really good at getting changed in vehicles.
07. You start using phrases like "you look like a sack of spuds tied in the middle!", "read my lips cadet ", and "Not bad, that was almost average"
08. You judge how sharp people's creases are.
09. You think making up drill moves is 'fun'.
10. You say "Sir" and "Ma'am" to most people.
11. You ALWAYS start off on your left foot.
12. You find polishing shoes relaxing.
13. You get annoyed if you see civvy jackets with chevrons on (particularly if they're a higher rank than you)
14. You put tent pegs in at 45 degrees without being told.
15. You correct people on the pronunciation of 'Corps'.
16. You've started opening stories by saying "Well, back when I was a Cpl .."
17. You thought at least once "ooh shiny"
18. When you start thinking "left, right, left, right" as you walk.
19. You think ANYTHING is worth doing if you get a badge.
20. You're shocked when someone doesn't know what 'NCO' stands for.
21. You've started using the phrase "how the !@#$ did he/she get a promotion?!" too much.
22. You'd rather iron your uniform than do that homework.
23. You know 'webbing' has nothing to do with Spiderman.
24. The standard of Officer's drill hacks you off.
25. You've had at least one bf/gf stand to attention for you.
26. People realise why you're a SWO/CSM and you loose some friends.
27. You have at least 2 officer's numbers on your mobile.
28. You refer to knives, forks and spoons as 'KFS'.
29. You question the leadership abilities of your managers.
30. You know the 'dirty' version of the 6 Ps.
31. You've seen Top Gun more than three times.
32. You call your friends by their last name.
33. You pity those who can't spell "sergeant".
34. You don't get told off by anyone because they wouldn't dare.
35. You know JUST where to find a generic risk assessment for Gardening/Table tennis/something equally pathetic.
36. You know EXACTLY how to tie a Windsor knot.
37. You can't leave and you don't know why.
38. You've been at your unit longer than 90% of the staff.
39. You've been to a social event for at least one of the staff (eg wedding / birthday)
40. You feel lost on the day you normally parade if Cadets is cancelled.
41. You seem to develop a homing device for McDonalds and no matter where you are in the world you can find one in 10 mins.
42. You criticise movies on how actors wear their berets. (not to mention their drill!)
43. You salute instead of waving.
44. You have a right to criticise your officer's drill because you taught them.
45. You see normal people wandering around in half uniform/DPM and you hate them and want to tell them off!
46. You come to attention whenever you hear a whistle, just in case it's an ensign going up or down!
47. You wince every time you here some prat say "over and out" (especially in films) and want to beat said prat into ground using the radio he/she defiled.
48. You simply CANNOT turn anti-clockwise when turning around.
49. Your natural position when standing is at ease.
50. You didn't do as well as you should have in NCEA because cadet activities ALWAYS come first!
51. You know there should be a 'G' in front of SMEAC.. and everything turns into a GSMEAC brief.
52. You've got enough left over bits of ration packs to make a new one! And enough wind/waterproof matches to start a bonfire!
53. You know the first two verses of the National Anthem (and stand to attention to sing it, just like your Sgt told you to so many years ago)
54. You called a teacher "Ma'am" once and hoped to god everyone thought you said "Mum" because it's less embarrassing.
55. You see a cadet in uniform and even though you aren't, you make a point of letting them know you're a cadet too (because that's how cool you are)
56. You prefer Bivvies instead of Tents (just in case you need to bug out, obviously)
57. The phrase "Don't salute me; I work for a living" has escaped from your lips.
58. You have a dedicated 'Cadets' folder on your computer.
59...It has many sub-folders.
60. You've stood in a school assembly and given a recruitment talk at least twice.
61. You get really annoyed when English people pronounce Lieutenant the American way!
62. You go to a party and spend most of it talking about cadets.
63. You know the wall can stand up on it's own.
64. You got this far in the list without saying 'No' to any point.
65. You've used hand signals like 'on me' to communicate in public.
66. You're asked if you've "anything to declare" so you check the folds in your short sleeve order shirt and tread of boots when going through customs.
67. Your phone's predictive txt favours words like NCO, ATC and CDTs over more common words.
68. You just DON'T DO facial hair.
69. You have dog tags with your name on them.
70. You still have a 3822.
71. You bring your 3822 everywhere, including going shopping.
72. You didn't do as well as you should have in your NCEA exams because NZCF activities ALWAYS come first, yet passed with flying colours on parts of physics and geography exams seemingly from nowhere.
73. You get asked if you've ever killed/shot anyone.
74. You judge the quality of a cadet's character, loyalty, discipline, service, etc by the accuracy of that 2 finger gap between their eyebrows and their FS Cap/Beret.
75. You say "say again" instead of "Pardon?" or "Could you repeat that?"
76. You know, and have used the "There are only 2 types of Sarge.." etc. quote
Military Quotes - A New Meaning To The Term "Military Intelligence"
| cadets | quotes 1 | quotes 2 | quotes 3 | weapon instructions |
A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.
That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
- the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
Ah, these diplomats! What chatterboxes! There's only one way to shut them up - cut them down with machine guns. Bulganin, go and get me one!
- Joseph Stalin - As reported by De Gaulle during a long meeting. - Military Quote
AIM towards the Enemy.
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once.
- Admiral Hornblower Military Quote
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
- US Air Force Military Quote
Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
- US Army Field Regulations, 1861 Military Quote
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.- Military Quote
Confusion in battle is what pain is in childbirth - the natural order of things.
- General Maurice Tugwell
Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
- Your Buddies
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
- US Navy Swabbie
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire.
Five-second fuses only last three seconds.
- Infantry Journal Military Quote
Friendly fire - isn't.
Having lost sight of our objectives we need to redouble our efforts.
- Anon Military Quote
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. Military Quote
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
- Infantry Journal Military Quote
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
- Infantry Journal
Incoming fire has the right of way.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
- US Air Force Manual
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
- Saddam Hussein
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
- unknown Marine Recruit
Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.
Push to test ... Release to detonate
.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- attributed to the Commander of the Japanese Submarine Force.
The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums.
- G K Chesterton
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
Tracers work both ways.
- US Army Ordnance
Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
- Infantry Journal
War is a competition of incompetence - the least incompetent usually win.
- Pakistani General Tiger, after losing Bangladesh
We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- US Marine Corps
When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.
Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?
You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
- US Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt
| cadets | quotes 1 | quotes 2 | quotes 3 | weapon instructions |
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - US Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." - Maritime Ops Manual
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"You've never been lost until you"ve been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." -Unknown Author
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe." - Fixed Wing Pilot
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." - Multi-Engine Training Manual
"Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club." - Unknown Author
"If you hear me yell; 'Eject, Eject, Eject!,' the last two will be echos. If you stop to ask 'Why?' you"ll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot." - Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." - Sign over Control Tower Door
"Never trade luck for skill." - Author Unknown
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." - Basic Flight Training Manual
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!" - Unknown Author
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." - Emergency Checklist
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." - Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual
| cadets | quotes 1 | quotes 2 | quotes 3 | weapon instructions |
"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."
-Russian military doctrine.
The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
-Italian proverb
There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives.
- Bumper Sticker
You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically-abusive, cold, dead hand.
- Bumper sticker
"Don't tell mom I'm a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse"
- Bumper sticker
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn
- Unknown
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for
- Unknown
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day
- Unknown
Draft beer, not people
- Unknown
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, and a lot of bitching."
-Unknown
"Artillery is the King of battle: the King cannot swim, however, which is why we need you guys."
(USMC arty specialist to a group of Navy officers in an Amphib
Warfare Indoc course.)
Airplanes can barely keep themselves in the air. How can they then carry any kind of load?
- William Pickering, Astronomer (1908)
Airplanes suffers from so many technical faults that it is only a matter of time before any reasonable man realizes that they are useless!
- Scientific American (1910)
No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris.
- Orville Wright
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch [Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre] (circa 1911)
He was Supreme Commander of Allied forces, 1918
Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch
To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags of flour. It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while it is attacked by airplanes"
- Newton Baker, US minister of defense (1921)
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